It started when Kobi was 1 hour old..
After 3 days of labour that ended in an emergency cesarian (turns out I’m a little small!), I just didn’t have any milk so Kobi was given a bottle. That wasn’t the way it was meant to go!
It’s ok, I thought – I’m a natural therapist! I’ll figure it out.
But I didn’t, I couldn’t, Kobi and I just couldn’t sync it. But I’m a NATURAL therapist! Who treats kids!
I soon found out, that was just the beginning of dear old mother guilt.
This bastard doesn’t seem to escape you as a mum.. it seems to be lingering around every corner.. before you even get to the bloody corner you feel it’s presence looming.
The bastard says –
you’re not spending enough time with your son,
you’re not doing enough housework
you should be doing more exercise
you should get outside more
you should be looking into that piece of research
you should be getting in touch with your friends
call your mother,
call your grandmother
shit the house is dirty!
I really need to be meditating more
ohhh what about that idea that you should really act on
what about building your business a little more
bugger, I forgot to get back to that person!
I just really want to spend some time alone, but with kobi but with my friends, but with my partner..
why the F am I so bloody irritated all the time!!?!
Yep.. no matter which decision you choose it seems to be there.
I had a conversation with my partner about it yesterday, as he was chilling out in the sunshine, I was hanging clothes out and finally getting around to some housework (which I was actually happy about!) as Kobi kept asking me to play… majority of the time I drop every to play, even if for a couple of minutes, but spring was calling and I wanted to tend to the beautiful home I am grateful for..
It went a little like this:
“Don’t you ever feel guilty about saying no to playing with him?” I asked Tim..
“No..why do you think it’s not ok to say no?”
Now Kobi is the kind of child who hates playing alone, he likes you to just be there, looking at and being a part of what he is doing. As a family, we make family a priority.. I make a conscientious effort to be with my Kobi while I am at home (I work 5 days a week, but running your own business means it follows you everywhere, constantly). So when Kobi is asleep it’s my “doing other things” time.. lucky he sleeps well during the day! He is in no way a neglected child or at the effect of my busy head.
I focus on breathing, being present, on not letting the guilt decide the choice I make next. I am in no way perfect at this..
At some point along the way I decided that I would have to accept that the guilt will be there. Mindfully, I make the decision not to buy into what it says.
Ultimately, I am working towards the guilt not being there at all.. non-attachment and working from presence..
In the meantime, I’m not going to let that bastard bring me down or rule my life in any way shape or form. Be there, in the background if you must.. but I’m a great mother.. and I’m doing the best I can with my business and relationships and self and I’m really trying to be conscious of any time it is responsible for putting doubts in my head about who I am or what I am or am not achieving!
Here are some things I have found useful in dealing with the G…
- Accept that I’m not superwoman.. sorry but until I meet her I’m not going to accept that she exists.. I choose to be realistic with my expectations on where I ‘should’ be in life….for me,this tends to trigger when I look at a business woman who has a powerful presence online- however I take a moment to check the reality and I notice that many of them aren’t in sessions/at work 5 days a week or they don’t have kids, or their kids are old enough to poop in the toilet and feed themselves!
- Forget social media – it really isn’t good for my sense of self..
- Rotate my focus.. this is my biggie.. Instead of failing at all areas all the time, I rotate the thing that I’m focusing on – yesterday was housework, but I had pockets of time which were all about Kobi. Other days is self time, or partner time alternating with business and friends.
- Know that my partner doing more, or joining in my ‘doing’ isn’t going to help my situation.. he does plenty, trust me. But our partners are more often than not the outlet for our guilt.. causing disruption in your relationship for something that is self created is not going to help you! Ask for a hug instead..ultimately what we are trying to say is – “help me, I’m overwhelmed”..
- Know that time is expansive – it really doesn’t need to be all done at this moment, even on this day..
- Busy doesn’t mean successful..get real about how much I’m procrastinating! Breathe and get grounded/realistic. Just do the sh*t rather than complaining about it in my head!
- Smile! I can hate doing something or do it with a bounce in my step – it really is a conscious choice!
Mums you are awesome.. and you’re not alone. Yes we are responsible for a lot.. but there is such strength in you, if only you could see it and believe in it more.
Lets F the guilt and stand by ourselves and each other more – check the judgement at the door.. it’s not helping anyone.
Sending you love!